Tuesday, June 1, 2010

So many questions....

If you had told me 20 years ago that I would be single and starting over at 40, I would have never had believed you. My life has gone through so many changes these last 20 years with the past 10 bringing new loves & friends, so many different places that I called home. My mind spins at all the changes and moves that have occurred to one person. I have searched for that one true love, that one place to really be home, that one job that would complete me and today I'm still searching. I think with my 4oth approaching fast...(6/19) the aloneness is creeping into my mind causing my soul to search deeper than it ever has. Does one ever truly find their place? I see people and know people that seem to have that place, but I don't think I have ever had it. Even in good relationships where I was in love, I never felt completely safe. Safe from the break-up that was just around the corner; safe from that job that paid the bills disappearing; safe from those dark feelings that crept into my mind late at night when I couldn't sleep. Is it me??? Are my standards too high? Am I searching for something that does not exist? How do you ever really know? Know if he is the right one; know if this will be the job; know if this is where you can put down roots? How do we know? Who has the answers? Does anyone? I pray. I pray daily. I pray for answers and guidance. I pray for a better job that feeds my soul. I pray for that man that will love ME. Not after he changes me, but me now. I pray for that place to call home that I can put roots down and 20 years from now still be there. I am single and starting over at 40....completely over. So many questions and no answers.

No comments:

Post a Comment